What if you get into a fight? Whatever conflict is happening in your life, continuously learn new attitudes that will make a positive difference to the way you manage this conflict. Amos Oz said: “A conflict begins and ends in the hearts and minds of people, not in the hilltops.” Though many fights can be unpleasant and burdensome, find that perspective to see such interactions with others in a positive light. Your changed attitudes can modify your responses. Conflicts can become your opportunities for personal maturity and growth.
You were just expressing your beliefs when suddenly an argument commenced. You were just doing what you have to do when suddenly you were slapped on the face. You were full of expectations but something went wrong and a silent war started. What if you get into a fight when you least expect one?
Someone you have grown to dislike said something that made you snapped. A friend who constantly frustrate you did something that you can no longer take. What if you get into a fight that you saw coming?
Conflicts happen to us in different ways, in varying depths, unexpectedly sudden or slowly and consciously building up until the last straw that broke the camel's back is dropped. In his book Facing Conflict, Michael Lawson wrote that “No one escapes conflict. The nicest and the nastiest all suffer from it.” He articulated that however wise and fairminded we are, we can suddenly find ourselves in a fight for which we have never bargained. Conflicts may begin with matters of concerns, values, beliefs, or actions. Fights may be triggered by an argument, a confrontation, an intolerable behavior, or a full-blown state of frustration and dissatisfaction. Fights may involve physical aggressions, verbal hostilities, or covert offensives. The extent of conflict may be brief or prolonged. Its source may be shallow or deep-seated. Its damage may be temporary or permanent. The pain it inflicts on us may at best be some mild discomfort or at worst astounding catastrophic devastation.
Tom Crum expressed that “The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.” It would be perfect if conflict is avoided, but when conflict happens, we need to face and deal with it. It is how we deal with conflict that makes a difference. It is how we fight that makes us win? It is how we respond to resolve conflict that allows us to mature into better human beings. Every conflict, whether potential or on going, provides opportunity for personal growth. Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith articulated that “Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth – or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them.”
Very often, conflicts, apparently caused by unexpected turn of events, are brewed by our mind, speech and behavior. To a lesser or greater extent, humans are creatures of habits – habits of thoughts and actions. William James conveyed that “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” Our thoughts precede our actions. A positive thought precedes a positive action. Likewise, a negative thought precedes a negative action. When we let go of our wrong attitude, we block the dispatch of a wrong action.
Facing conflict may require learning as well as unlearning. We need to learn tolerance and unlearn our prejudice. We need to learn self-control and unlearn our reckless expression of anger and revenge. We need to learn forgiveness and unlearn our grudges, mental cruelty and destructive bitterness. We need to learn dedication to the truth and unlearn our shield of falsehood.
In handling conflict, try standing where the other person stands. In the movie To Kill a Mockingbird, based on Harper Lee's novel, Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch explained “You never really understand a person until you consider things for his point of view.” Give understanding, consideration and acceptance a chance. Ralph Nichols said: “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” Stephen Covey wrote: “If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.” The way we listen can resolve or aggravate conflict situations. Unless we let go of our prejudice when we listen, we only hear what we choose to hear, then distort them to support our pre-made opinion about the situation or the speaker. Prejudiced listeners are inclined to interrupt the speaker since they already made their conclusions without giving themselves the chance to consider the realities of what is being said. Michael Lawson wrote that “To listen well is to accept the personhood of the speaker, contributing to his sense of self-worth by indicating that what he has to say is worth listening to. Enhanced listening skills bring an important resource to conflict management for both prevention and relief of friction.”
Our uniqueness that makes us different from others can hurt us in our relationships. People have different backgrounds and experiences, different likes and dislikes, different appearances and behavior, different strengths and weaknesses, different habits and desires. We get hurt and we hurt others because of our differences. A long-held advice to make relationships work is to keep short accounts and to get the differences sorted out right away. Holding grudges, craddling resentment, and sustaining bitterness deepen and prolong conflicts that eat up the people involved. Stress accompanies conflict, and the way we feel about what we think and do makes a great deal of difference to our well-being. Anxiety over our fight has no relief unless we get rid of our negative thoughts and change our dissenting and resentful attitudes. We can start by honoring the other party in our conflict instead of focusing on their weaknesses and shortcomings.
Michael Lawson wrote that “Unforgiving attitudes are at the root of many interpersonal conflicts.” The unwillingness to forgive is sustained by habit of the mind when we allow our thoughts to dwell on old hurts in the distant past. From these thoughts, we derive some sense of self-righteousness and craft a device to punish or “educate” our adversary. This attitude brings about prolonged and deep-seated conflict – conflict within ourself and conflict within the lives of those close to us and of those with whom we have been embattled. Forgiveness involves a commitment to refrain from bringing up, either in our mind or in conversation, the painful hurt of the past. If we cannot forget the hurtful past, at least try to see it in a different light to dissipate the pain. Paul Boese said that “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Sometimes, conflict with another can reveal the true character of the other and his or her regard for our well-being. Though, it will usually make us feel good to forgive the other, it is best that we forgive ourselves first. Whereas others resort to anger in conflict, there are those who take the blame, thus lowering their self-esteem. This is especially true when the other person involved in the conflict is aggressively destructive verbally or physically.
Deep-seated conflicts are difficult to resolve. Such conflicts are armed with powerful negative thoughts that fuel offensive behavior towards the adversary. A person with a deep-seated fight with another may repress his or her resentments but they are not forgotten and they persist. Self-knowledge at this point is very crucial in strengthening oneself against the conflict situation.
What if you get into a fight? Whatever conflict is happening in your life, continuously learn new attitudes that will make a positive difference to the way you manage this conflict. Amos Oz said:“A conflict begins and ends in the hearts and minds of people, not in the hilltops.” Though many fights can be unpleasant and burdensome, find that perspective to see such interactions with others in a positive light. Your changed attitudes can modify your responses. Conflicts can become your opportunities for personal maturity and growth.
Someone you have grown to dislike said something that made you snapped. A friend who constantly frustrate you did something that you can no longer take. What if you get into a fight that you saw coming?
Conflicts happen to us in different ways, in varying depths, unexpectedly sudden or slowly and consciously building up until the last straw that broke the camel's back is dropped. In his book Facing Conflict, Michael Lawson wrote that “No one escapes conflict. The nicest and the nastiest all suffer from it.” He articulated that however wise and fairminded we are, we can suddenly find ourselves in a fight for which we have never bargained. Conflicts may begin with matters of concerns, values, beliefs, or actions. Fights may be triggered by an argument, a confrontation, an intolerable behavior, or a full-blown state of frustration and dissatisfaction. Fights may involve physical aggressions, verbal hostilities, or covert offensives. The extent of conflict may be brief or prolonged. Its source may be shallow or deep-seated. Its damage may be temporary or permanent. The pain it inflicts on us may at best be some mild discomfort or at worst astounding catastrophic devastation.
Tom Crum expressed that “The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.” It would be perfect if conflict is avoided, but when conflict happens, we need to face and deal with it. It is how we deal with conflict that makes a difference. It is how we fight that makes us win? It is how we respond to resolve conflict that allows us to mature into better human beings. Every conflict, whether potential or on going, provides opportunity for personal growth. Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith articulated that “Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth – or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them.”
Very often, conflicts, apparently caused by unexpected turn of events, are brewed by our mind, speech and behavior. To a lesser or greater extent, humans are creatures of habits – habits of thoughts and actions. William James conveyed that “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” Our thoughts precede our actions. A positive thought precedes a positive action. Likewise, a negative thought precedes a negative action. When we let go of our wrong attitude, we block the dispatch of a wrong action.
Facing conflict may require learning as well as unlearning. We need to learn tolerance and unlearn our prejudice. We need to learn self-control and unlearn our reckless expression of anger and revenge. We need to learn forgiveness and unlearn our grudges, mental cruelty and destructive bitterness. We need to learn dedication to the truth and unlearn our shield of falsehood.
In handling conflict, try standing where the other person stands. In the movie To Kill a Mockingbird, based on Harper Lee's novel, Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch explained “You never really understand a person until you consider things for his point of view.” Give understanding, consideration and acceptance a chance. Ralph Nichols said: “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” Stephen Covey wrote: “If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.” The way we listen can resolve or aggravate conflict situations. Unless we let go of our prejudice when we listen, we only hear what we choose to hear, then distort them to support our pre-made opinion about the situation or the speaker. Prejudiced listeners are inclined to interrupt the speaker since they already made their conclusions without giving themselves the chance to consider the realities of what is being said. Michael Lawson wrote that “To listen well is to accept the personhood of the speaker, contributing to his sense of self-worth by indicating that what he has to say is worth listening to. Enhanced listening skills bring an important resource to conflict management for both prevention and relief of friction.”
Our uniqueness that makes us different from others can hurt us in our relationships. People have different backgrounds and experiences, different likes and dislikes, different appearances and behavior, different strengths and weaknesses, different habits and desires. We get hurt and we hurt others because of our differences. A long-held advice to make relationships work is to keep short accounts and to get the differences sorted out right away. Holding grudges, craddling resentment, and sustaining bitterness deepen and prolong conflicts that eat up the people involved. Stress accompanies conflict, and the way we feel about what we think and do makes a great deal of difference to our well-being. Anxiety over our fight has no relief unless we get rid of our negative thoughts and change our dissenting and resentful attitudes. We can start by honoring the other party in our conflict instead of focusing on their weaknesses and shortcomings.
Michael Lawson wrote that “Unforgiving attitudes are at the root of many interpersonal conflicts.” The unwillingness to forgive is sustained by habit of the mind when we allow our thoughts to dwell on old hurts in the distant past. From these thoughts, we derive some sense of self-righteousness and craft a device to punish or “educate” our adversary. This attitude brings about prolonged and deep-seated conflict – conflict within ourself and conflict within the lives of those close to us and of those with whom we have been embattled. Forgiveness involves a commitment to refrain from bringing up, either in our mind or in conversation, the painful hurt of the past. If we cannot forget the hurtful past, at least try to see it in a different light to dissipate the pain. Paul Boese said that “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Sometimes, conflict with another can reveal the true character of the other and his or her regard for our well-being. Though, it will usually make us feel good to forgive the other, it is best that we forgive ourselves first. Whereas others resort to anger in conflict, there are those who take the blame, thus lowering their self-esteem. This is especially true when the other person involved in the conflict is aggressively destructive verbally or physically.
Deep-seated conflicts are difficult to resolve. Such conflicts are armed with powerful negative thoughts that fuel offensive behavior towards the adversary. A person with a deep-seated fight with another may repress his or her resentments but they are not forgotten and they persist. Self-knowledge at this point is very crucial in strengthening oneself against the conflict situation.
What if you get into a fight? Whatever conflict is happening in your life, continuously learn new attitudes that will make a positive difference to the way you manage this conflict. Amos Oz said:“A conflict begins and ends in the hearts and minds of people, not in the hilltops.” Though many fights can be unpleasant and burdensome, find that perspective to see such interactions with others in a positive light. Your changed attitudes can modify your responses. Conflicts can become your opportunities for personal maturity and growth.
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