Forgiveness: What If You Can't Forget?

What if you can't forget a harmful event that changed the course of your life? Can you ever forgive the person that brought about such an event?
Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt. It does not mean forgetting the hurtful event. To “forgive and forget”:
Forgive your offender and you give him or her understanding and compassion.
Forget your grudges, hatred, and vindictiveness and you get happiness and peace.

Who hasn't heard of the commonplace expression “forgive and forget.” Some claim that they can forgive but never forget. Others profess that they cannot forgive precisely because they cannot forget. What if you can't forget that someone insulted you, or cheated you, or betrayed, or mistreated you? What if you can't forget that someone severely harmed you or your loved one? How can anyone forget the detailed account of an event that changed the course of his or her life? Can one ever forgive the person that brought about such an event?

Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt. The more it hurts, the more difficult it is to forgive. But, the more you refuse to contemplate forgiveness, the more you feed your anger, bitterness, resentment, and sense of injustice with echos of the hurtful words or mental recreation of the adverse act of your offender, the stronger your pain sears. When you are wounded, it hurts. Your wound will hurt you and may get worse until you become quite sick unless you disinfect it. The disinfecting can inflict a momentary pain, but it heals the wound and you begin to feel good again. Forgiveness, like a disinfectant, expels your grudges, hatred, and vindictiveness, and you begin to feel happy and peaceful again. Forgiveness disables your offender from continuing to hurt you.

But, how can one forgive if forgetting is not possible because the act that hurt or offended you has become a part of your life? Forgiveness requires a conscious choice to let go of the negative emotions that poured in when you were hurt. It does not mean forgetting the hurtful event. It may even be good to remember that event so that you may learn from it. Forgiveness can teach you the best lessons of a painful experience. Forgiveness involves taking control of your thoughts that spark your emotions. Forgiveness involves looking at the circumstances and the offender in a different light with a positive disposition and an open-mind. Look at the event as part of your past and accept it. Feel the sorrow and pain that the hurtful event has inflicted on you. Let the experience give you the capacity to feel greater joy for having known intense sadness. Open your heart and find out why you are hurting, and seek to understand why you feel the way you do. Understand yourself before attempting to understand your offender. When you know where your negative emotions are coming from, you can start replacing them with positive ones. Positive thoughts can enable you to look at things with an open mind and see things as others do. Positive thoughts can stir positive emotions such as feelings of empathy, compassion, and even love.

Forgiveness may be particularly hard when the offender does not accept having hurt you and does not show any form of remorse. Changing the attitude or behavior of the person who hurt you is not the point of forgiveness. When you think that it is your job to punish or re-educate your offender, you are set to achieve conflict – conflict with your offender, conflict with those close to you, and conflict with yourself. An unforgiving attitude can cost you valuable and enriching relationships with others. Your belief that you have been wronged may be justified, but holding on to your anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge will not make things right. Try putting yourself into the other person's shoes. People from different backgrounds with different beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses have high potential to hurt each other. You may have to look deep into human motivation to acquire a perspective that cultivates forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not about condoning the hurtful act of your offender. It is accepting that the thing that hurt you is in the past. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can help you remember it as a sad experience that made you live a fuller life. When people hurt you, forgive them and forgive yourself for allowing them to hurt you, then move on with your life with greater strength to deal with pain and with stronger capacity to enjoy life.

Forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation. It takes one to forgive, but it takes more than one to be reconciled. If you were offended by someone you care about, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. However, in cases where the offender is unwilling or unable to communicate with you, reconciliation may not be possible but forgiveness is. Forgiveness is about you. According to Lewis Smedes, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

George MacDonald's quote “Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life.” inspired me to interpret the expression “Forgive and forget” as follows:
Forgive your offender and you give him or her understanding and compassion.
Forget your grudges, hatred, and vindictiveness and you get happiness and peace.