Just when you think that you have finally learned the way to live, life changes. What if you find yourself in a new situation where your long-held beliefs, the concepts of acceptable attitudes and behavior that you've learned, and those conclusions that you've drawn from your past experiences are no longer compatible with how you want to live? What if the conceptions, conclusions, and generalizations mapped out in your head are waging war with your thoughts of going where you “ought to be”, of doing what you “need to do”, and of being what “you should be”? What if you are confused?
At times, when we are not able to catch up with the changes that life serves us, we develop an internal confusion as how to proceed with our life. In his book Facing Conflict, Michael Lawson articulated that “Conflict often takes place within ourselves. It is felt as a tussle of will, a powerful urge to transgress standards of thought or behaviour which only a part of us declares as inviolable. It is something akin to a child's musing choice to disobey a parent, 'Shall I or shan't I?'. Inner conflict involves the experience of temptation, the seduction of ambition and often a struggle with God, perceived or unrealized.”
When we don’t know how to deal with our inner conflict, we are paralyzed unable to decide and deal with our current situation. Dealing with inner conflicts can flush out so much of our energy. However, Michael Lawson said that “Inner conflict has as much potential for good as it does evil, for the conflicts experienced provide opportunities for mature choices, as well as self-luxuriating indulgences. Conflict and the potential for growth therefore belong together.”
One way to deal with our inner conflict is to examine the realities of life to us as they are now. The realities of our life change as we grow. Our realities as children are different from our realities as adolescents which are also different from our realities as adults. The realities of our life change as our economic status changes. Our world when we were poor is different from our world when we are rich. Our realities evolve as we change, and thus our conclusions are never final. As time goes by, our world widen, and thus, our generalizations are not always all encompassing. The reason why it is difficult to figure out how things “really are” is because they are constantly changing.
Rhoda learned through her experiences as a child to avoid doing things that could hurt her like running on slippery roads or touching hot objects. It protected her from hurting herself again from dangerous activities and it was good. She grew up but she maintained this belief about almost everything in her life. At one time, she and her best friend Arlene put up a catering business that went bankrupt. She decided not to engage in any kind of business ever since. She felt comfortable being employed as sales representative in a drug company where she met somebody she truly loved. She was so happy for a while until her boyfriend left her for another woman. She was deeply hurt. Sometime later, Ric, a guy she met at Arlene's birthday party, became one of her close friends. She liked Ric but when Ric told her about his special feelings for her, she started avoiding him. She knew that she loves Ric but she has learned that love hurts and has avoided any romantic relationships ever since. She became very unhappy as she battled with her inner conflict.
In his book The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck said that
“The less clearly we see the reality of the world – the more our minds are befuddled by falsehood, misperceptions and illusions – the less able we will be to determine correct courses of action and make wise decisions. Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will get lost.”
“All mothers love their children, and thus, my mother loves me no matter what.” What son or daughter would give up this kind belief without getting hurt? Tess believes that her mother loves her. As a child, she tried hard to show her mother that she loves her just as much if not more. However, nothing she did seem to please her mother. Her mother has a way of always making her feel so invaluable. Her mother never tires of telling her that she has bad attitudes and mediocre abilities. Her mother hurts her not only emotionally but also physically. Tess grew up with little self-esteem. Time did not change the way her mother treats her. Wanting to live a happy life without being constantly put down, Tess thinks of moving as far away as she can from her mother but she can only do so after she accepts that her mother does not love her.
As new information are revealed to us about the nature of life, we need to revise our map to make it conform with our new reality. As we learn new contradictory information, we need to throw away an old conception of reality or an old cherished belief. Sometimes, revising our map of reality can be quite painful.
What if inner conflict confuses you? Maybe, you need to choose between enduring the pain of giving up a cherished belief, on one hand, and enduring the internal confusion of immobilizing inner conflict, on the other.
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